Saturday, December 02, 2006

My Little Angel

Today is a day that is very difficult for me. It is my first Baby's birthday. Her name was Candace Elizabeth. I was very sick while I was pregnant with her. I had Toxemia during the latter part of my pregnancy. It makes your blood pressure extremely high and very dangerous. I ended up having her at the end of my 7 month . She was small 4.5 lbs. But she seemed very healthy and was able to come home to Mommy and Daddy after a week in the hospital. She was a very good baby. She gained weight and was very healthy. She was the best early Christmas present that we had ever recieved. And what a wonderful Christmas it was to have a new baby to celebrate it with.
But in late January, on a very cold, snowy morning, we awoke to find that our sweet Angel was no longer with us. She had died of SIDS, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, or as it was called in the old days "Crib Death". She was 7 weeks old. It was the worse day of my life. It still seems like a nightmare. I went through her funeral in a complete fog. And the days that followed were some of the most painful days I had ever experienced.
It took me several months to get pregnant again, I was scared too. I wasn't looking to replace her, just to replace the horrible emptiness that was left in my heart and soul. I had apnea moniters on both my son and then my other daughter when they were babies, but it was still hard to sleep at night.
Candace would have been 23 years old today. And I always wonder what she would be like had she had the oportunity to grow up. I still remember the happiness she brought to my life. I also remember the best comment that one of my dear friends said to me when she passed away. She told me "Just always remember, you will always have a sweet Angel, watching over you the rest of your life." That brought alot of comfort to me. Other people would tell me "your young, you will have more children",,at the time, I didn't find comfort from that, they meant well, but I wanted my baby back. I stayed pretty angry at God for several months. I couldn't understand why my baby had to die, but others were living and being abused and mistreated by parents who didn't want them. Eventually I made peace with this tragic event. And I was able to think that maybe there was something very awful that could have happenned to her and that God spared her by taking her home early.
Today, I still shed tears for her, and I still miss her very much! But I know that she is in a much happier home,,and that one very fine day, I will be with her again.

Daniel and I are going to the cemetary later this morning to put some pretty Christmas flowers on her grave. Then we are going to head to Alabama and spend the night with my wonderful brother and his sweet wife. That will help to ease my pain.
This wasn't meant to be a sad post,,I will always treasure this day and celebrate it. And I am Thankful that I got to spend time with this sweet daughter of mine. And I am so Thankful to know that I will always have a Precious, beautiful , and Sweet Angel, always watching over me.

8 comments:

Janet said...

Beth, what a bittersweet memory. I know there is nothing that can be said that will ease your pain but I do agree with your friend who said you will always have an angel watching over you. Enjoy your visit with your brother and wrap yourself in the love and warmth of your family. I'm thinking of you.

Rosa said...

Oh Beth. I am so sorry for your loss. But what a sweet angel to have looking over you. You are fortunate in that sense. The purest of pure. I'm sending you love today my friend. xoxo

Daisy Lupin said...

I am so glad you felt able to blog about this bittersweet memory. I cannot begin to imagine how devestating it must have been for you at the time. I do hope you have a lovely sweet weekend with your brother. xx

miss*R said...

wrapping you in my love, my healing & my heart. I will light a candle near my advent wreath for you & your sweet angel in heaven. Many blessings to you sweet Beth xoxo

AnnieElf said...

I'm going to light a candle for your sweet little one right now, Beth. Your angel is always with you. Many hugs.

Cat said...

Oh Beth, you have come thru all that. And yes, your angel is cheering you on in this life to keep you strong. Love, Hugs, and Blessings to you!

Maryellen said...

Beth, words don't approach this time in your life. My heart reaches out to you and your memories that you have posted here. Such a bitter sweet memory as Janet said.

vicci said...

Love you Bethie....